I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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