a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
