Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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