Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
