i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I came so hard my ears popped.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
