I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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