I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
