Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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