She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
