Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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