My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
