R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
