You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
