i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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