No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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