I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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