3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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