Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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