hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
