all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
