she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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