And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
