Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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