I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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