Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
