You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
