spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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