I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
