I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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