Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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