whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
