I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
