Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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