i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
