textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
