he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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