i permit you to call me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
