my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
