This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
