At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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