You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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