im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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