That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
