Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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