Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
