Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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