you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
