Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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