You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
