Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The Olympian is in my bed
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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