Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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