I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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