Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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