i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
