It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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