My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how does that bad decision feel?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
